Excerpt
Val
If you talk to people, they'll tell you their life has a dividing line. Maybe the first date with their spouse. Maybe failing to get into the top college on their list. Maybe winning the big game in high school.
Something they can point to. Something important to them. Without it, they say, their life would be completely different. They'd have no kids or they'd live somewhere else or they'd be rich.
Me, I don't have a dividing line. I have a fucking crater. My life was shredded, ripped in half, completely destroyed. Shattered into so many tiny pieces that reassembling them is completely impossible.
I am not the same woman I was in November of 1968. Back then, I'd've had a dividing line. Depending on the day you asked me, I might've said that line was the divorce from my high school sweetheart. Or the decision to drop out of law school. Or, most likely, the fact that none of the med schools on my list would take me—not because of my grades. No, I graduated number one in my college class.
The med schools wouldn't take me because I'm not only female, I'm black too.
Two strikes, one admissions idiot told me. With your record, we'd take a risk on giving you a slot with one of those strikes. But two? No one'll take you for an internship. You won't get a residency. We'll be wasting that slot on you, honey. So sorry. Maybe the nursing school will look at you.
If you'd asked me in November of 1968, I would have said that conversation with that administrator was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. It convinced me to marry Truman, consider having some babies. Made me apply to law school. Made me the best damn legal secretary in Chicago.
Made me give up.
I was so precious. So delicate. As if these things that happened then were adversity. As if these things were the worst that could ever happen to anyone, let alone someone like me.
Then, in early December, I humored my two sort-of cousins and best friends, Marvella and Paulette, by accompanying them to the Grand Nefertiti Ball at Sauer's Brauhaus. Marvella and Paulette, they looked gorgeous dressed in long gowns, wearing gold Egyptian bands on their upper arms. Marvella and Paulette, they're tall and stately women; I'm small, and that same outfit drowned me.
I felt ugly and silly and out of place.
Maybe that's why I danced with him. Maybe I danced with him because he was persistent. Maybe I'd had just a little too much to drink.
And no, I'm not going to tell you his name. I try not think his name. That makes him real, a person.
He wasn't a person.
And he wasn't a dividing line. That gives him too much power.
Maybe the dividing line came the next day, when I gently told him he didn't interest me. Or maybe it came at the end of January, when that son of a bitch forced his way into the hallway of my apartment building and raped me.
The rest of it—the friend from med school who said he could help me get rid of the pregnancy, the horrid, horrid fever, that ride to the hospital in the back of a car—plays in my mind in freeze-frame Chiaroscuro images:
The sharp pain in my abdomen, and my med school friend saying, It's nothing, Val. It should feel that way. Marvella, telling me she'll be right back. A big man carrying me down a flight of stairs. The smell of blood. A white woman in a shimmering blue pantsuit arguing with a white doctor.
And then waking up, feeling scraped and battered and empty. Finding out that I not only got rid of that pregnancy, but all possible pregnancies.
Forever and ever, amen.
Not a dividing line at all. That damn crater opened, right then and there. I don't remember hopping it. But I ended up on the other side, looking back at who I had been, and barely recognizing her.
As soon as I could after the surgeries, I sold everything, put the money my ex, Truman, had left me in his will into interest-bearing accounts that I wouldn't have to think about, and, one bright Sunday morning in early June, got on a bus heading west.
I didn't tell anyone. Not my friends. Not my family.
I just vanished.
Or rather, my body vanished.
I had disappeared a long, long time ago.