Excerpt

Scary Stories to Tell Your Ungrateful Family in the Dark

Foreword from a broken man

Throughout history, we have gathered to tell scary stories. It's something that people with families who haven't yet betrayed them still do to this day. We dim the lights and spin yarns about ghosts, creatures, and other made-up creepy-crawlies because we love to spook-culate about the things we fear the most.

But it's important to remember that the most horrifying monsters are the ones we live with every day. For example, your neighbor Ethan might seem like a great guy at first, offering to lend you a garden hose when your kids break yours clean in half somehow. Then, one day, you'll wake up and realize your wife Brenda has been carrying on with Ethan for months and is moving in with him, right down the street from the house you shared for twenty years.

Many of these frightening tales warn of things unseen – like haunting ghouls, whispers that drive a man mad, or the fact that your own children are willing to desert you for a man they just met, based solely on the fact that he owns a dune buggy.

Why do we love scary stories so much? Most people will say that they are simply for fun. The chill that runs down your spine when a spooky twist surprises you is hard to beat. There are lots of reasons we could give, but the correct reason is that they distract us from the sad and dreary monotony of existence.

BOO!

Things That Go Bump

If there's one knock on your window at night,
Hide under the covers with all your might!
The fabled Bogeyman may try to bite!

If there are two knocks on your window at night,
Don't look out or you'll have a fright!
A werewolf might be out tonight!

But if there are three knocks on your window at night,
Don't worry, it's all right –
It's just Dad! It's just Dad!

I just need to know how Mom is doing!

(To the tune of "The Offaly Rover")