This hilarious catalog of insane and dangerous toys by Asterios Kokkinos (Something Awful) and Jimmy Hasse (The Onion) is a sharp and unrelenting satire of yesteryear's most beloved playthings.
Toys "4" Cheap is your #1 source for overlooked and discontinued toys like the Magic 1-Ball, My Digital Stepdad, and The Lack of Self-Care Bears. Make your selections, call (555) TOY-FUPB, then pick up your items at one of two convenient Montana Badlands locations. Remember: We put the "fun" in "No Refunds!"
"I've been a huge fan of the author's writing for over a decade. Whenever someone mentions Asterios to me – after gushing over his Twitter (@asterios) or his latest podcast appearance – they usually say the same thing: 'How come he's not famous yet?' His comedic voice is so strong, so intense, and so bizarre, once you experience it, you'll be hooked for life. So let's all do Asterios a favor and read his book of unbelievable toy parodies, and get him a little closer to the fame he deserves." – Geoffrey Golden
"Sharp, fearless humor… incredibly funny."– Michael Kupperman, Tales Designed to Thrizzle
"Asterios is one of the most obtusely cantankerous comedians I know, and is able to send me into a giggle fit as if there was a lack of oxygen in the room."– Jonah Ray, Mystery Science Theater 3000
"Asterios Kokkinos is like a modern day Mark Twain, if Mark Twain was Greek and really hairy, and instead of writing the great American novel came up with a bunch of horrific children's toys."– Dan McCoy, The Flophouse & The Daily Show
What's that FUN rattling around your LUNGS?
They're lean, they're mean, they're MICROSCOPIC MACHINES™. The world's smallest cars, MICROSCOPIC MACHINES™ are also the world's first inhalable toy! Just spray 'em into a brown paper bag, suck 'em down, and feel 'em race-race-race around your pul-pul-pulminary system!
They'll run loop-de-loops around your arteries, and BURN THE RUBBER off your ventricles! Inhale a can of our CRASH-EM-UP RACEWAY and build a demolition derby in your pancreas!
$4.95 PER CAN
WARNING: MICROSCOPIC MACHINES™ WILL DO PERMANENT DAMAGE TO YOUR SENSE OF BOREDOM AND/OR LUNGS.