Excerpt
"Advice about writing reminds me of nothing so much as the underrated feud between The Undertaker and the late Yokozuna in the early 90s WWF. The Undertaker was and is a stiff and Yokozuna was a butterball better suited for a sideshow than athletic exhibitions, but there was an element of unpredictability that gave their matches something special. I remember watching their infamous Casket Match at 1994's Royal Rumble with my then-roommate who took great joy in reminding me that wrestling was 'fake.' Yes, yes it is. Also fake: situation comedies, Farscape, soap operas, and half the news. This is known. Doesn't make the television less entertaining.
But my roommate just loved pointing out how fake it all was. During the match, the goal of which is to shove one's opponent into a coffin and shut him in, Pablo pointed out that the match was no-disqualification—the only rule was that the match ended when the casket was closed. 'If it's no rules,' demanded Pablo, 'why don't ten bad guys show up, beat the shit out of the Undertaker, and shove him into the casket?'
About a minute later, that's exactly what happened. He shut up after that.
Those ten guys remind me of writing. There are no rules. Only the results matter; the process of shoving the kindhearted zombie mortician into the rented coffin is irrelevant. The problem is that when people can't get the results they want, they become obsessed with process. Nobody holds forth on the writing advice like barely published neophyte writers, and it makes me want to get together a posse of masked men and beat them down.
Recently, I got to witness somebody flip out over adverbs. The Harry Potter books, you see, are full of 'em. If you're flying, it's swiftly, if you're tip-toeing, it's stealthily. This, according to Mister Flippy, was wrong. 'When editors see -ly words from newbies, the submission goes right in the round file! Why can Rowling get away with it?' he wanted to know. He had a readymade answer, too—money-grubbing publishers foolishly allowed adverbs into Harry Potter titles because the books sell. Big Name Authors can break the rules.
Of course they can. So can you. Using lots of adverbs and adjectives is a newbie mistake. Declaring the use of adverbs and adjectives forbidden due to some secret publishing industry decree is another newbie mistake. Engaging in conspiracy theory about the adverbs you do happen to see in books is a medical mistake by the newbie's doctor. Up the dosage, Bones."